My Big Brother

I have five sisters. Five. That’s a loaded sentence I know. And there are definitely a lot of stories I can (and eventually will) tell about growing up in the middle of six girls. Our family has a fascinating story. One that I’m sure will always echo in whatever I write. But that’s not really what I’m writing about today. Anyway, that’s me on end (right side).

Me and My Sisters (L to R Bethany, Allison, Camille, Madison, Ashley, me)

   What I’m writing about today is my brother. I don’t have a brother by blood, but I’m stuck with him all the same.

Me and Jeff

  My oldest sister Allison is married to a guy named Jeffrey. He’s been around awhile, a little over 10 years or something like that. Basically we’ve both known each other long enough to remember some very awkward fashion phases. For the past few years Jeff’s been dealing with some pretty crazy stuff. In the past few months Jeff and I started working on a blog together. Yesterday, Jeffrey turned himself in to Manatee County Jail in order to serve a 21 month prison sentence. Sunday night we all went bowling together. When he hugged me goodbye he said, “See you in a year and a half.” I told him to stop it… I wasn’t ready to start crying yet.

  I know it’s been a weird week. And I’m sorry that it has all been creeping into this venue. Monday someone close to our family died, Wednesday night they celebrated his life, Wednesday morning my cousin testified in court regarding a case he’s been involved with for the past three years, Thursday during our friend’s funeral my brother-in-law turned himself in and tonight Camille will record her first Demo CD. Life hardly ever is all good or all bad. And I don’t really know all that I’m trying to say here. I just couldn’t let it go by without saying something. It’s strange to officially get a big brother when you’re 23. It’s stranger to realize he won’t be around teasing all of us at family stuff for 21 months.

  Tuesday night I edited his last blog before he turned himself in. It was an optimistic “See ya, later” filled with all his hopes for what he’ll be able to do while in prison. I sat on the couch in our living room and choked back tears as I tried to make my way through it.

  I’m so proud of my big brother.

  Two years ago we sat in their living room and he asked me about how dinosaurs fit into the Bible’s story of creation and how you get into Heaven if you’re essentially a good person. Two nights ago I read about what God has been doing in his life this past year and I was so moved.

  I just keep thinking, “Our story isn’t over yet.” It isn’t over yet.

²⁰ You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.

                                            -Genesis 50:20

** You can start from the beginning of Jeffrey’s story here

**And if you’re the praying kind add our family to your list and Jeffrey especially. I’d much appreciate it.

 

A Breeze and a Song

Today is a sad day. It’s a morning for praise music and quietness. I have a whole schedule planned out for the next three weeks of this blog. But life has invaded this week.

Yesterday morning at church a friend handed my dad two of those rubber bracelets. They were meant to serve as a reminder to pray for a member of our church family struggling with very aggressive cancer. Just after he handed the bracelets to us my mom lead the band in the song Fail Us Not by 1000 Generations. These words hit me in the gut every time they sing them. In light of what is happening with our friends the Coles and in our own family this week this song has become something of a safety blanket for me. If you’re the praying kind I know our family and the Cole family would greatly appreciate your prayers.

Fail Us Not

Failure doesn’t phase you.
Worry doesn’t win.
Loss doesn’t leave you afraid to start again.
Our sin doesn’t shock you.
Our shame doesn’t shame you at all.
Mistakes do not move you.
Terror doesn’t tame.
Death doesn’t doom you to life in the grave.
Our suffering doesn’t scare you.
Our secrets won’t surprise you at all.
At all.

There is nothing above you.
There is nothing beyond you.
There is nothing that you can’t do.
There is no one beside you.
There is no one that’s like you.
There is nothing that you can’t do.
Whatever will come, we’ll rise above.
You fail us not, You fail us not.
No matter the war, our hope is secure.
You fail us not, You fail us not.
You fail us not.

Hatred doesn’t hide you.
Evil doesn’t ail.
Despair can’t disguise you and tell you that you fail.
Our doubt doesn’t daunt you.
Our darkness won’t defeat you at all.
At all.

There is nothing above you.
There is nothing beyond you.
There is nothing that you can’t do.
Whatever will come, we’ll rise above.
You fail us not, You fail us not.
No matter the war, our hope is secure.
You fail us not, You fail us not.
Whatever will come, we’ll rise above.
You fail us not, You fail us not.
No, You fail us not.
You fail us not.

You fail us not.

I want to decide between survival and bliss/ And though I know who I’m not I still don’t know who I am

I’ve realized recently that I don’t always turn music on when I’m driving. Sometimes I prefer to drive in relative silence and process my thoughts. If I do feel like listening to something, but can’t figure out what it is I’ll pop the iPod onto shuffle and see what happens. This will often lead to me zeroing in on an artist after they pop up on shuffle. Today it was Alanis Morissette.

Driving down I-75 I rolled down my windows and prepared for some mid-90s angst. It’s the best kind of angst. There was something new in the flannel wearing and grunge-y guitar riffs. And Alanis tapped into something totally fresh.

At 21 she dropped Jagged Little Pill and seemed to blow everyone’s mind. It has the line-up of the most famous Alanis songs. Three years later along came Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie. An interesting album to say the least. She continued her themes of jilted lover, personally bitter lyrics, and added a dash of intense wordiness without seeming to care about form or rhyme. In the second half of the album is the song Unsent. This song set me off down memory lane as I pondered what sort of letters I would write.

Alanis was about my age when she released this album. And this song makes me think of all the things I have wanted to say in the past. I look back on the events of the past four years and it’s confusing, sad, hopeful, and tiring. I’m not where I thought I’d be. Sometimes I think 19 year old Noel would be upset with 23 year old Noel for all that she’s wasted, but not necessarily surprised. She sure had her fair share of angst, though fortunately she never really used it to write songs (because they would have been AWFUL). Unsent reminds me of all the fellas that have witnessed my journey, for varying amounts of time, and have in some ways contributed to who I have become.

So, there are stories and things I haven’t said. There have been situations when I have yearned to say these things, but time always assuages the urge. I wish for a moment I had the platform to write a “Dear X-boyfriend” song and have people connect with it, but then I think this is platform enough. I don’t really need to slog my personal life and all those old stories across the interweb.

Instead I’ll just say, Dear First Boyfriend, Dear Preciousfriend, Dear King of Heartbreak, Dear Hair, and all the guys in between and after, thanks for the opportunities to learn, feel loved, grow through heartache, but thanks most of all for allowing me to test the finer points of making a relationship work, I’m sorry for the times I failed to be caring or tell you what you meant to me.

Luckily, I’m currently in a well-enough place that I don’t feel the need to write scathing letters to ex-lovers. Though I am curious what the next story will bring.

(For more information about our favorite Canadian singer-songwriter go there –>)