I have the birthday blues. I’ve been a sort of funk all day. Despite my best efforts to shake out of it I’m just feeling weird.
New Year’s is a weird day to have a birthday. This one feels especially like the true end of an era. There is now a decade spanning between my 18th birthday and this one. Ten years ago really great pop-punk music was coming out of central Florida, Fall Out Boy and Panic! at the Disco were just about to take the world by storm, I was heading into the second semester of my Senior year of high school. The world was spinning pretty well at the time. That kid and me, we’re almost entirely different people.
Her hair was just brushing her shoulders and mine almost reaches my waist. She wore size four jeans and I generally refuse to wear jeans. She wanted to be a youth pastor, thought that was her calling. I work with teenagers, and I still feel very strongly about marginalized youth, but I am wary of working in youth ministry now. She had yet to experience a panic attack or understand anxiety and I live most days working to recognize what might trigger me and preventing panic attacks from happening. Most importantly I think, she thought she was in love; I am about to get married and I think I have a better idea of what love is actually like at this point.
We’re going to watch fireworks. We’ll be leaving soon to drive to the bay where we’ll watch the colors explode over the water. For now with this time to kill, Daniel taking a quick nap by my side, I’m trying to route out the source of my melancholy. I don’t want to walk into 2015 feeling this blah. But the words to Death Cab for Cutie’s song have just been repeating in my head all day today:
so this is the new year// and i don’t feel any different.
I read something heartbreaking today. At the end the blogger said something about this being an arbitrary date. A marker. I get to decide whether it means something or not.
So, this is the new year. Do you feel any different?
There’s this moment before you stall out an engine, a stutter of sorts where everything is salvageable if you make the correct choice. If you don’t the life of the engine sputters out and you are forced to start over from the beginning.
For the past few days I’ve felt on the edge of that stall out. If I do something I could course correct. If not everything could crumble down. But I have no idea what’s causing me to feel this way.
I blame the rock shows for making me restless. And the impending approach of NaNoWriMo. And the fact that I’ve gotten so much of what I wanted in the last two years, but there is still this itch.
But mostly I think I’m suffering from jealousy. I read this really great story yesterday. Over 100,000 words of perfection and it made me yearn.
Melancholy. Empty ambitions. The strong desire to take a shower at almost 4 am. I’m sure I’ll feel better if I do that.
This post is way too confessional.
I received a strange request from my boss a couple of weeks ago. An odd way to sort of showcase my encyclopedic random knowledge that I spout off whenever it seems relevant. She asked that I send out a “Fact of the Day” email to the rest of the leadership staff. My old supervisor used to send out thought for the day emails that were usually inspiring tidbits about working hard and accomplishing goals. The torch was passed to me. My boss has recently started saying, “I learn something new every time I talk to you.”
I’ve always collected bizarre pieces of knowledge and stored them away for later when they may become relevant. The particular moment in question had something to do with Red Velvet Cupcakes. I changed everyone’s world when I said that RV Cupcakes are really just red chocolate (which may be an oversimplification… oh well).
The thing is, my knowledge is referential. I absorb new knowledge quickly (unless it’s mathematical) and then quickly spit it right back out when an opportunity arises. I’m not always correct. I, too, bought into the idea that lovebugs were genetically engineered by scientists at UF. But that’s not true.
This new responsibility has me a little flustered. I started with facts that I already knew from prior reading or research. But I’m having trouble developing themes for facts that I find interesting to share with my co-workers. Do you think it’s cheating if I decided on themes and then look up things about that theme to share with everyone? I’m inclined to say no, because otherwise it appears that I’m saying I already know everything there is to know in the world and that IS NOT what I am about. This will be an interesting new thing to add to my weekly duties. But I’m up for the challenge. #thelifeofaknowitall